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Spork History My friend wrote this and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tell me
what you think.
PS he is crazy
This is something I wrote reeeeeeeally late last night, it's good for a
chuckle. some people were discussing the merits of Sporks, and this was
my retort. let me know what you think Edward Wong-Hau Trivusky the Fourth
from late last night: ---------------------- NOOOOOOO!!!! you guys have
it all wrong! The Spork is the most dastardly and insidious utensil of them
all. It's eeeeeevil nature should be obvious since it is neither a true
Fork, nor a Spoon. I know the truth about this demonic utensil, and I'll
enlighten you all! The Spork was created by a mad scientist named Baron
Dr. Ferdinand Von Sporkinstein. He first started experiments to create the
'ultimate' utensil in the mid 1930's, and they went mostly unnoticed, until
the Nazi party came to power. During the early years of the second world
war he was commissioned by the German command to create a better utensil
for their military troops. His early utensils such as the Chop-Stoon, and
the Knivork left much to be desired by the German High Command. The mad
doctor searched through many ancient and occult documents before stubling
across a prophecy about a utensil that was better than any other, the mythical
Foon. The Foon was allegedly a gift from God, and it was rumored to have
been used by Jesus at the last supper for both his soup and salad. It's
power was said to be unmatchable by any other utensil. It was said to have
been lost shortly after the meal however, it was accidentally dropped in
the trash by a careless waitress, who was complaining that she had just
been 'stiffed' by the rather large party, and it seemed that one of them
had taken a cup. Unfortunately the war against Germany was coming to and
end, and it seemd a case of too little to late. Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein's
research in Germany came to an end with the defeat of the Nazi party. He
was quickly secreted away by the United States Department of Agriculture,
Utensil Division. The US Government's own experiments to create an 'ultimate'
utensil had come to a standstill. Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein was granted
asylum and given orders to continue his nefarious utensil experiments under
a veil of secrecy. He was brought to the Government's Utensil Depository
in southern Kentucky, under the command of a Conl. Sanders, who also happened
to run a small fried chicken restaraunt. By the end of the 1960's the casualties
were mounting, and the lack of results were infuriating to the Government
agents in charge. Finally there was a breakthrough, a combination Spoon
and Fork. It had the ability to be used as both, but was truly niether.
In honor of it's creator Baron Dr. Ferdinand Von Sporkinstein, it was dubbed
the Spork. It was discovered by British spies in the Soviet Union that the
Russians were quickly on their way to developing a spork of their own. This
news is what started what is now known as the 'Spork War'. The Americans
and Soviets were rushing headlong into unknown waters with their spork research.
The mid seventies saw a switch in direction away from Spork stockpiling,
and toward an arms race instead. The Spork research was cut off. Devastated
by the loss of funding, Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein left the Utensil Divison.
Conl. Sanders retired a short time later to his restaraunt. Baron Dr. Von
Sporkinstein continued his research alone, until he was killed in a mysterious
Cole-Slaw accident. Soon after the Spork was patented and began to show
up in restaraunts across the country. It was thought that Conl. Sanders
was behind both of these events, but no evidence has ever been found against
him. In recent years some of the government's highly classified files from
what is now known as 'Operation Spork' have come to light. It is not clear
at the moment what the Government and Conl. Sanders had hoped to gain by
creating this 'ultimate' utensil. One of the theories is that the government
hopes to 'phase-out' the fork and spoon worldwide so that it will have a
corner on the international utensil market. The current plastic Sporks are
typically very lightweight and flimsy, and cause food to be spilled on the
user's clothes. This dastardly scheme would cause an enormus jump in drycleaning,
and the ones who control the drycleaning are none other than the government.
Another therory, is that the Spork is an Alien utensil, and it is being
used to help these Aliens intigrate into society, before they take over
the world. Whatever is true, the Spork is a very unnatural and eeeeeevil
thing, they must be destroyed, and all trace of them wiped out for our own
safety! I now return you to my regularly scheduled hallucination.
Edward Wong-Hau Trivusky the Fourth -the guy who's not quite as right in
the head as everyone thinks he is
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